MARCH 25, 2008 - (revised) Hey guys,.. A lot has happened. I think I'll vent. People need to let people live their life. Freedom of speech. Opinion of choice. Direction in life that suites them best. Not something that suites what someone else sees for you. (As I was writing this in March, I was pregnant and didn't even know it. Weirrrrrrrd.) I've gotten really involved in a church here at school. Grace Bible Church. It's about a ten minute walk.. but I still drive. I play keyboard on high school nights, and am a mentor to two high school girls. Both sophmores. They're crazy talented, just a little shy. I also play and sing Sunday mornings and sing harmony Sunday nights; college night. It's really great to get involved in something - especially a church.
(It's funny, as great as it was to be so involved, I didn't feel like I belonged there at that time. It made me miss Lakeshore a lot. I was supposed to join their band but for some reason things kept coming up and I couldn't make rehearsals. I miss singing.) I've been trying a lot of things in the last six months. I thought I knew myself. And I think that I do.. AHH I don't know. I know who I am - it just feels as though I've disappeared and put up this defensive wall, covering every inch of me, inside and out. I have always been "the" nice person. "The" responsible one. "The" adventurous one. "The" mom of the group. "The" one who could never say no to a favor. And I got walked all over on. So now I'm still the same person, but I make it harder to get in. I don't like that. My husband, Matt talked to me about it and then took me out for such a great night. We got starbucks, shared a cigarette (even though neither of us smoke... it was just cause), got to a movie theatre an hour early and played slaps, rock/paper/scissors, and thumb war. I don't know who won overall. Must have been him.. I think I'd remember if I had won.
Anyway, I really needed that night. It's amazing having such an amazing relationship, intimate mentally and physically, with your best friend. And that night we were best friends again + kissing. Everyone hated us haha. We're not gross or anything. But a bunch of women would smack their significant other and mutter "Why can't you treat me like that". I loved it. I watch Sex and the City almost every night and there is something I've always wondered. Carrie's a writer, yes? And all of her friends read her column, and I assume that her boyfriend of the moment does as well. So how does she write about EVERYTHING she does without them finding out? When she was with Aden and cheating with Big, she didn't tell Miranda or Charlotte for weeks, but she wrote about it every week. What the heck.
Anyway, it would be nice to just be able to write every thought and every action (the interesting ones anyway) without worrying about someone reading it that you don't want it to be shown to. BUT I guess that's impossible.
(I still watch sex and the city almost every night) Should I know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life? I would love to follow my dream of being a photographer. But I also have a dream of having a household of kids and pets. And I'm going to be completely cut off financially this summer - yet my dad says that I need to get my masters and then continue onto a world success school for photography. But I know that Matt and I won't have that kind of money. Should I be sad? Am I missing out on what could be? I did something this past December that I can't say anything about for a while longer... but it may have ended my dream of being a photographer. And not in a bad way. Not necessarily.
I love Matt so much, and he has made so many of my dreams come true. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. He's my other half. But do you think it is possible to continue my dream of a family with him, while also persuing a future as a successful photographer? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(If anyone is interested in having a photoshoot with me for $15 let me know - missjennaleanne@yahoo.com / myspace.com/jennaleannephotography) I should be working on a speech right now. I missed the last one and this one is due Thursday. Yeah, I'm an aweeeesome student. I won't even have to worry about photography if I flunk out... oi. (I flunked that course) Man, I remember when I would write in this every day. Wow. I made a lot of relationships through this website. That had to have been... what,.. six or seven years ago? Dang. I met John through this too. It's amazing what history can be held in just one name. Three years of my life went into that name. Not in a bad way. I learned a lot through that relationship, good and bad. I think the same went for him too. He's a great musician. Some of his first songs were about me. We wouldn't be where we both are now if things hadn't worked out the way that they did. So I'm greatful in that aspect.
Hm, I may erase that before ok-ing it for you. Eh.... I guess I'll go for the Carrie way and pretend that no one important will read it. (Everything happens for a reason. He was such a huge part of my life I wish there was some way we could have maintained a friendship. Really) Does anyone even get on this thing anymore? You don't realize how screwed up life is until you're eyes are opened to what we have made it. I wish money didn't exist. I wish that we could all grow crops, or make clothes, dishes, anything, and trade it as currency. Then if anyone was ever short, they could just offer their help to someone else. Everyone would understand working for what you have. I hate money. I hate what we have made it. How did we get this far? The clothes we wear. Why it even matters what we wear. If it's the "expensive" stuff or not. It's all made by people isn't it? So what the hell.
And what about tv? I do like it for when you're bored, or if something urgent or important happens - to inform fast. But if you would just open your eyes and see what brainwashing mush it is! There were some people I knew that went to Jerusalem for a few weeks and when they came back they saw on the news that there had been an explosion outside of the city. But there wasn't an explosion. EVERY media station was saying that there had been this awful bombing. But it never happened. So why would they tell us that? Why would they want us to have this negative idea in our heads about what's going on over there? If they lied about that, what else have they lied about? What else will they lie about? Will it stop at just a boming rumor on tv? Or could it escalate to something as huge as a nuclear war? After all, we are all humans. And, as nice a thought as it is, you can't trust the majority of the world. Yet, at the same time, I'm not ready for heaven. I love life. Love it. Why do there need to be so many things in it to make it hard to get through? From fatty foods to the economy. It's just hard. I think Matt and I will move to New Zealand. They have some of the most beautiful country and a fantastic economy. Or at least, so a man told me while I was serving him caviar at a hotel opening in Plano.
(He told me to marry his son.) Another thought. Why do we pitty third world countries? I understand that we should help the ones who are starving and dying of disease - since we're so well off, right? But here's the thing. They are there own civilization. They are making a living and don't wish that they had tv or nike shoes, or a mcdonalds. They grow what they eat, and each person, adult and child, work for what they have. Us interfering is just saying that they "need" material items for success and happiness. And isn't that the problem with our own country? Everyone just "needs" to have the newest, best item that's out, right? Because something that just gets you by isn't good enough to even consider, right? It's ridiculous. (I spelled 'their' wrong.) We all need to wake up and see what we've done to this earth. This was nice. Maybe I'll do it again soon. | 
